I decided after my last marathon that I’d try eating ‘normal food’ for a change. That means normal bread instead of gluten free bread or homemade bread made from almond meal or flax seeds. That means ice cream and chocolate instead of expensive ‘healthy’ treats made from mostly nuts & dates. The logic was that nuts and dates have a lot more calories than normal flour/ice cream/chocolate so if weight is just all about calories in vs calories out, then I’d be ok.
Well, turns out the source of the calories does matter. For me, at least. In 2 months I’ve put on 2kg. I’m bloated and grumpy. I can’t do pull ups anymore and just.feel.so.heavy.
I don’t know how this makes sense scientifically, I’m not a nutritionist. I don’t have an official insensitivity to gluten and when it comes to sugar, dates have just as much sugar as white sugar, so there’s no reason these things should affect me but they do! Urgh. I feel really too awful right now to keep going like this.
It’s really annoying because a part of me wants to believe in moderation. It wants to believe that unless we have a medical condition we should be eating anything we want, just as long as we don’t overeat.
Or maybe that’s my problem – eating sugar and bread does probably make me overeat a bit. Not hugely, I don’t think, because I eat a lot in general (easily over 2000 cal a day) but maybe enough to put on a kg a month. Hmmm.
There goes my moderation theory out the window. Again. (I have actually come to this conclusion at least once before – that it’s easier for me to quit sugar cold turkey than to try to moderate it. I guess I had to just double check that theory ;)
I have to stress at this point though that I’m not bothered by the number on the scales as such. Weight as a number is not the problem. Since I started Crossfit 5 years ago I’ve put on several kgs of weight but my recent weight gain is not muscle, it’s fat and I feel it and it’s not making me comfortable. In daily life it’s not a problem actually because all my clothes still (mostly) fit but I mentioned not being able to do pull ups anymore, which is super annoying, but also – running is harder the more weight you have to lug around. On Sunday I felt really slow running and my stomach was also really bloated and I hate that feeling. I was so bloated that I figured that people would just think I was pregnant. That was the only way I got through that run. Thinking that oh well, I look like a pregnant runner and not a hippo. This is not the mental space I want to be in.
A little extra muffin top I can actually live with more than the bloating. Bloating is the worst. It makes me feel very unstable in the middle, it feels like my body is not ‘together’ , it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don’t know how to explain this scientifically other than I know that 90% of the serotonin that’s produced in our bodies is produced in the gut as supposed to in the brain and I’m taking a break from my serotonin-boosting Citalopram right now so I’m probably especially vulnerable to everything that goes on in my gut.
But but but. Onwards and upwards, right? I’m only talking about a few extra kilos. If only I didn’t have so much stupid work/Brexit/more work related stress that made me want to eat all the bagels at all times to suffocate the anxiety. For some reason fruit and veggies don’t suffocate anxiety nearly as well. Such a shame. And it’s a shame that once you’re an emotional eater, you always will be… I just have to switch to gluten & sugar free baked goods in order to not make this problem any worse. For my body as well as for my mind.
Rant over :) Now time for breakfast which today is plain greek yoghurt with cinnamon, raisins, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds.