For weeks I have felt like I needed to write an update on my mental health but I haven’t known how. Glitchy brain chemistry is complicated. I have been on and off Citalopram for the past 4 years now, my latest off spell, a 7-month one, ended a few weeks ago.
It’s weird to describe what I have. I function, I exercise, I don’t cry, I don’t think people hate me, I don’t think I’m a loser, I don’t sleep all the time. The only way I can usually tell that my brain is struggling again is when the love is gone. When everything sort of works but when there is no joy. When I find life overwhelming and my kids exhausting (like all.the.time). When I feel that my family cares for me but doesn’t love me more than they have to. When I feel that my friends enjoy being around me once in a while but aren’t that into me. When I feel that the only time I’m feeling, really feeling anything is when I’m exercising. When I feel that since I cannot spend all my days exercising I’m unhappy about it. When I find myself craving feelings and being constantly restless inside for reasons I cannot articulate even to myself, I know it’s time to help my brain out a little bit again.
Depression for me is the stealer of feelings and the liar that tells me that those who love me don’t love me more than they are obligated to.
I know that life isn’t all happy days 24/7, I’m ok with ups and downs. When the ups and downs disappear and everything sort of flatlines, then I know I’m in trouble.
I told you I don’t know how to write about this :)
All I know is that I’ve learned to spot when I’m feeling ‘off’ for longer than is normal, for so long that it’s starting to affect those around me. Judge me not for taking medication, it truly is complicated…
One of my favourite shirts says this:
and I always think it means that I am in charge. That whatever decision I make, even the one to take medication, means that I am in charge.
Over & out. Onwards & upwards.